My journey into motherhood

My name is Oksana, and I am a first time mom to our baby girl Amelia. I got married in October, 2017 to my husband Tyler. We live in Winnipeg, Canada and love spending time as a family. Before having a baby, I worked in a special education program for a high school and in the service industry. I used to be an outgoing, wild child. I loved going out, meeting new people and experiencing life. When I met my husband, we partied hard. After years of trying to find a balance, we moved out, settled down in our very own home and soon after got engaged. The last three years especially, have completely flown by. We have been together for nine years and have definitely had our struggles. Finding myself again since becoming a mom has been a journey itself. With as much as I wanted to become a mother, as soon as I found out I was pregnant, I really lost touch with who I was. I hated being pregnant. I hated how I felt, how I looked and how people looked at me. When I had Amelia, I felt like I had a purpose again. My roll in life completely shifted, and I loved the "newness" of it. Motherhood has been challenging to say the least, but it made life a whole lot better. I love every single moment with my baby girl. Never in a million years did I think I would be as lucky as I am now.

For about three years before we got married, my doctors made it clear that starting a family would be challenging. I have PCOS, that has been so severe, the cysts over the years have severely damaged my ovaries. The pain they caused was excruciating. I remember laying on the cold kitchen floor, paralyzed in pain, unable to move and hearing ambulance sirens approach from the distance because my mother overreacted, and thought I must be dying. After we tied the knot, we knew that getting started in our journey in to parenthood was going to be a priority. I remember telling my husband, wouldn’t it be crazy, if we just got pregnant and the doctors were wrong. We both chuckled at the thought and decided to make the best of the situation and do what newlyweds do best... In the back of my head I still thought maybe, just maybe we could do it without all the doctors, drugs and procedures. When my period was late, I won't lie, I was freaking out a little. I kept telling myself I knew it. I knew I was pregnant.

I probably went through 50 pregnancy tests that first round. That negative on each one of them displayed was heartbreaking, even though I knew the doctors told me it probably wouldn't happen, I still thought I would prove them wrong... I remember getting the worst cramping one night at work and when I got off after midnight, I drove over to Emergency. They gave me a pregnancy test and the HCG levels were not high enough to be considered pregnant. They weren't able to give me an ultrasound until the morning but they told me because of my history, I probably just had another cyst pop. I followed up with my OB two weeks later, where she too tested my HCG levels again and still they were not high enough to be considered pregnant. She told me that they needed to do further testing, but she thought at least one of my ovaries wasn't ovulating and that’s why I hadn't had a period in over 70 days. I knew that from all the trauma of my cysts popping over the years, that my overaries would eventually stop producing eggs. I just didn't think it would be this soon. The next day, my period came... of course. My OB told us that we would go ahead start experimenting with different drugs before being referred to a clinic in the city that specializes in fertility. We made a plan to start our first round of Clomid in the spring and focus on enjoying the upcoming holidays without being stressed...

The holidays came and passed. January 1st arrived and New Year Resolutions were made. As I cleared out bathroom drawers that morning, in hopes of becoming more organized in the new year, I came across one of those 50 pregnancy tests I had purchased that month and a half prior. Only women trying to conceive can understand the urge to pee on tests excessively... admit it, peeing on tests becomes a new habit. I figured I might as well pee on in before I threw it out. I hopped in the shower, and completely forgot about what I just left on the counter. The sight of two lines greeted me as my eyes glanced across the bathroom while drying off. I probably looked at that test for five minutes, saying "no way" over and over again. I walked over to our living room, where my husband, Tyler was playing video games. Headphones on, totally in the zone. I stood there for a minute until he noticed me standing there, unclothed, holding a pregnancy test. "No".... he said while looking at me in complete shock. He repeated that a few more times, as I looked back at him with the exact same look.... well yes... It was right. My dear and loving husband, tried to tell me something was wrong and there was no way. He drove to the store and purchased several more tests. One after another, his doubt faded, and was replaced with excitement ... excitement that he was going to finally have a son....


My Big Fat Negative